Reflections on a Cruise: Don’t Argue in Happy Times

Recently, Scott and I sailed away to South America. It was lovely–so lovely, in fact, that I did some writing about marriage. I’ll share a little of it in two posts from moments when I was reminded of what not to do for a happy marriage.

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On our first full day at sea, we were seated for lunch uncomfortably close to the couple next to us. They were bickering.

“It’s turquoise, not aqua.”
“Then why didn’t you just say so?”
“I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did. Earlier I said turquoise when we were standing over by the bar.”
“First, that wasn’t by the bar–“
“It was!”
“And second, you distinctly said aqua.”
“I never said aqua. You did!”

Their voices were low and controlled, and they communicated their intensification not with volume but with unmistakably crisp enunciation. After debating the shades of the stunning sea surrounding us, the bickering rolled on and on like the waves.
Four o’clock, not five.
Delicious, not average.
Occasionally, not often.
Yes, he did; no, he most certainly did NOT.

We munched awkwardly on our honey-drizzled, bacon-bespeckled arugula appetizers straight from heaven, prentending not to hear and trying not to listen, but our tables were only inches apart. That meal–exquisitely prepared and presented in a grand dining room–could not be over soon enough. We wanted out of there.

We felt sad for those two vacationers. They hadn’t been on the ship for 24 hours and had eleven days yet to go, locked up together in a misery of paradise. Of course, maybe we just saw them at a bad moment. Or maybe this vacation was an attempt to alleviate the agony of a deeply dysfunctional marriage. We couldn’t know, and we didn’t judge.

Still, one thing was obvious: bickering was no fun. It agitated them, frustrating nearly every sentence out of their mouths. They even bickered about their bickering. It made the people around them uncomfortable, too.

Scott and I were celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary on that cruise, and we couldn’t help but recall some simple advice that an older couple gave us decades ago: Don’t argue in happy times. Aside from the ideal that every day would be a “happy time” (they aren’t) and that we’d always avoid petty arguments (we don’t), we’ve found this practical rule to be a helpful starting point.

If you feel that you and your spouse argue too much, try it. It works. On dates, birthdays, holidays, and vacations, simply zip it.

Don’t argue. Don’t correct.

Let him/her get the last word, even if it’s wrong or feels insulting.

Let it go, forgive quickly, and don’t keep a record of it.

If it’s truly important beyond your momentary feelings, it can wait. And you’ll be amazed at how few of those triggers you can remember later, even if you try (though I’m not sure why you’d want to).

Then, after you start with those special occasions, expand your definition of happy times. Lazy Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons. Friday night treks to Costco. Tuesday night grilled cheese. Your morning scramble to get ready for work. When you eliminate bickering, you’ll be surprised to find happy times in all kinds of unexpected places. We’re finding more and more as the years go on.

Bickering isn’t inevitable. It’s something people allow. It’s habit-forming. If it’s going to stop plaguing a relationship, someone has to go first in biting the tongue. Why shouldn’t that someone be you?

The fact is that even in paradise–perfectly planned, paid-in-full, and focused on fun–you can allow bickering to rob your most important human relationship of joy and pleasure. Why let that happen?

Instead, make a straightforward behavioral choice that will bless the two of you and those around you. Don’t argue in happy times.