He Leads and She Submits? How an Egalitarian Faithfully Reads the Bible on Marriage

This past Saturday, I had the honor and joy of officiating the wedding of my son Jay and his lovely wife, Hannah. Part of that responsibility included giving a homily on marriage: a short, reflective sermon to impart the principles most important for flourishing in the journey ahead. After considerable trepidation, I ultimately opted for an eight-minute arms-wide-open egalitarian swan-dive into well-known biblical passages about wives as helpers and submissive subordinates. 

• Why “trepidation“? As I prepared, I was acutely aware of the differing viewpoints among our guests about what the Bible has to say about the roles of men and women within the home and the church. How would they feel about my participation in the service–a woman leading and preaching? As I have written elsewhere, I generally feel grieved at the possibility of causing offense on this matter of women’s roles.

• Why “arms wide open“? I have been shaped within a Wesleyan theological tradition that tends to accept that genuine Christians on this side of heaven disagree on non-essential matters, even after faithful study. I decided to trust that the Lord would continue to lead us along patiently and to help us live in harmony with one another, even when we differ about men and women.

• Why “well-known biblical passages,” rather than less controversial ones? I could have played it safe and avoided Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5–passages which denominational traditions tend to interpret in differing ways–but not if I wanted to address principles that I believe are of central importance to marriage. I chose to trust that though our human interpretations are fallible, scripture itself is not. It is wholly trustworthy and reliable. Just read and address the text, Elizabeth, and dare not try to make it conform to human sensitivities, I reminded myself.

• And why a “swan dive“? All I could do was prepare, take courage, and dive in, praying for as much grace in form and flight as the Lord would grant me. That important juncture for Jay and Hannah was not the time for a soapbox defense of doctrinal positions on gender or sanctification or anything else but a moment for loving and instructing this precious couple, respecting all of our guests, and rightly dividing the Word of Truth. So I took the leap.

I’m so glad I did. I shared what I believe honored the Lord. Our guests and friends expressed their love as generously and as graciously as ever, regardless of whether they agreed with my every point. And my witty sons and husband have been calling it a “Momily” ever since, which I receive as a compliment.

Finally, if you would like to consult the scripture that was read aloud before the message, you can find the two key passages from Genesis and Ephesians here[i] and here[ii] (or the full list of readings here[iii]). The two key texts are often cited in support of a view that God designed wives for submissive followership and husbands for loving leadership. As you’ll see in my homily, I think that view misses the bigger point of what the Lord intends to convey.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts!

And now, let’s dive.

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Leading, Loving, and Submitting as Well-Fitted Partners: A Holiness Homily

We’ve read a lot of scripture today because who better to listen to in starting your married life than the author of the married life? We’ve opened the scripture so that God could do the talking. And what wonderful passages we’ve just read!

We started in Genesis, at the very beginning, when God surprised Adam with a gift that he did not see coming. I think he surprised the two of you when you met: “Wow, here is this wonderful person that I could never have even dreamed up!” What an incredible gift you are to each other! And as you walk ever more closely with the Lord and with one another, it will get even sweeter–though there are some important cautions and core principles that you should keep in mind.

1. The Gift and the Giver.  Don’t mistake the gift for the Giver. No one other than God, the Giver, can satisfy your deepest yearnings as a human being. Wholeness, peace, self-confidence, security, satisfaction–only the Giver can give you those, and he does it generously. Seek Him for those things; in fact, you will need to seek him even more now than you have before.

Contrary to what a romance culture has tried its best to make you expect of one another, this wonderful person you are marrying–this precious gift–is a real live human being and can only provide what a real live human being can provide. You will enjoy the gift, and you should! But if you put unrealistic expectations on this person, expecting this finite, imperfect gift to do only what the infinite, perfect Giver can do, you will be unfair, and you will be disappointed. When hard times come, be on your guard that you are not expecting something of this person that only the Lord can provide. Cherish this gift always in friendship with the Giver. You will love each other best when you love Him most.

Don’t mistake the gift for the Giver.

2. God’s Design for Joint Leadership. Now, back to Genesis, we learn a lot right out of the gate about the man and the woman as God designed them. In the very first chapter, we hear that they are both made in God’s image and that they are distinctly different: male and female (and this is very good). We learn that they are designed to exercise dominion over creation together. And in the second chapter, we get more detail: that God creates the woman to correspond to the man as a perfect fit. The Lord calls her a “suitable helper”; ezer kenegdo is the Hebrew expression. What is a suitable helper, this ezer kenegdo?

This word ezer, translated “helper,” does not mean assistant or subordinate in the original language as it does in today’s English–but rather, rescuer or a giver of military aid. It’s the same word, in fact, that is used multiple times throughout the Old Testament to describe God’s own help[iv] to people: like, “God is your shield and helper,”[v] or God, “who rides across the heavens to help you and on the clouds of his majesty”[vi]–same word for our same God, which certainly doesn’t imply subordination.

And the other word, kenegdo, translated “suitable” in English, means corresponding to, in front of, in sight of, counterpart, opposite or parallel. So we get a picture of this gift not as a follower but as a shoulder-to-shoulder counterpart or parallel partner in joint leadership.

Ezer kenegdo. So what does this mean in your marriage?

• If work needs to be done . . .
• If a goal needs to be set . . .
• If priorities need to be readjusted . . .
• If a wound or rift in your relationship needs repair . . .
• If forgiveness or vulnerability is needed . . .
• If Bible reading and prayer need to happen within your home or the spiritual climate needs to be calibrated . . .
• If there’s a need for spiritual leadership within your marriage or family (and there is!) . . .

Take the initiative. Lead. Together. Don’t put a burden on one of you that from the beginning both of you were designed to carry.

Take the initiative. Lead. Together. Don’t put a burden on one of you that from the beginning both of you were designed to carry.

3. Mutual Submission and Sacrificial Love. You can understand how this mutual leadership only works in mutual submission out of reverence for Christ and in love for one another as Christ Jesus loved us and gave himself up for us. Our human default as a consequence of sin (which comes later, in Genesis Chapter 3) is a desire to possess or to rule over one another–to get our way, to outshine each other, to be first. That inclination toward self-interest started in the garden, after the Genesis passages we read, and does not reflect God’s design for people, but Satan’s. If you consider the rich passages from Ephesians 5 that were just read, you see that this famous chapter, often cited about women and men in marriage, begins very generally to describe how all believers should behave toward one another. The marriage statements are not the main point; they are examples of how the general principles play out.

At the beginning of that chapter, we hear that all of us, as dear children, should love one another “as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.” How is that? Utterly. Christ loved us so much that he gave himself for us–and so should we love one another. How husbands are instructed to treat their wives is a specific example of that general principle, in almost the exact wording. And that instruction does not exempt wives from loving their husbands in that way.

Then later in the same chapter, we see another general principle. It says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Why does it say, “to one another”? Because submission is not just a marriage thing or a woman thing. It is a Christian thing. It’s fundamental to the Christian life for all believers. The submission of a wife to her husband is just one example of that general submission principle, and the husband is not exempt from the requirement to submit to his wife out of reverence for Christ. In both of these directives–loving sacrificially and submitting–God’s standard for everyone is very high.

Think of it this way. Hannah comes from a family of three girls and Jay from a family of four boys, and both of you have had parents who have had to look over the back seat and give orders from time to time. “Kids, listen up, all of you! Get along with each other, and share! That means, Joe, you get along with your brother! Ella, you share with your sister!” The specifics illustrate the general principles.

So how do we get along as married couples and as families? Well, we love each other as Jesus loved us, and we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Submission is not just a marriage thing or a woman thing. It is a Christian thing. It’s fundamental to the Christian life for all believers.

4. Your Holiness Journey. And guess what. It’s not always easy, but it is now part of your journey in holiness, or Christlikeness, which is God’s desired destiny for every life. It is what God designed you for and what he promises and is faithful to do in you. As you submit to him and cooperate with him–often in very hard times of trying to cooperate with one another–he will draw you closer to himself, set you apart you for his purposes, purify your love and your inclinations, and empower you to live together rightly. He will sanctify you, in other words.

These aspects of marriage I’ve already talked about (leading together, mutually submitting to one another, and loving and serving each another sacrificially) are now a new module in that sanctification curriculum in your lives. It often goes something like this: “Lord, help him to see that he’s wrong and I’m obviously right.” And then, when you give him a chance to work in your heart, you might realize that your prayer has changed: “Lord, if he’s wrong, change him. If I’m wrong, change me. Either way, help us to end up on the right page together and to get there in a way that honors you and one other.”

So don’t be surprised when God, who has this trajectory of holiness designed for you, uses the rough edges of your spouse to help you see your own rough edges (maybe areas of selfishness or rebellion)–and he will invite you to surrender those to him. If you will, then he–through his power, not yours–will trsnsform your hearts and minds and habits to be more like his.

Marriage is now part of your journey in holiness, or Christlikeness, which is God’s desired destiny for every life.

5. The Better Way. So choose the harder way. This is work in process. Because of sin, tilling the soil of your relationship will be hard at times. And you’ll need to do the hard work, not ignore the weeds, not neglect the tending of it, not take the easy way. Big decisions are important, of course, but most of what builds a joyful, thriving marriage is in the weeding–the seemingly tiny daily decisions in the private tending of the soil. Jeremiah 17:10 says, “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind,” and the Lord directs us in the Proverbs to guard them: “Guard your heart for . . . it is the wellspring of life,” and “from it all of your decisions will flow.” A person might comply externally with the wishes or needs of a spouse but have a hard heart or allow a bitter root to grow–but that is not only neglecting the work. It is sabotaging the garden. If you plant rocks, you’re going to get rocks. Marriage is hard work.

Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

But it is holy hard work. Like all work in partnership with the Lord, both the process and the product are deeply satisfying and bring God glory. He has provided for you all that you need to flourish together, and his presence and power are close at hand when you choose his way. Remember that in Christ, it is in losing our lives that we find them, and it is in our surrender that the Lord sanctifies.[vii]

So Jay, Hannah, cherish the Giver more than the gift. Lead, submit, love, and serve sacrificially. Lean into the work as well-fitted partners, and the Lord will produce what is pleasing to him, what is delightful to you, and what is nourishing to others.

What a journey you have ahead!

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[i] Genesis 1:26-28 and 2:7, 15, 18, 21-24, NIV: God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” . . . The Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. . . . The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. . . . The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” . . . So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

[ii] Ephesians 5:1-2, 21-30, 32-33, NIV: Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. . . . Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. . . . This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

[iii] GOD’S GIFT OF LOVE: Song of Songs 2:10-13 and 8:6-7; 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13; and 1 John 4:7-11. Also GOD’S GIFT OF MARRIAGE: Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 2:7, 15, 18, 21-24;  Proverbs 31:10-12, 25-30; and Ephesians 5:1-2, 21-30, 32-33

[iv] Exodus 18:4; Deut. 33:7; Psalm 33:20; Psalm 115:10, 11; Hosea 13:9

[v]  Deut. 33:29

[vi] Deut. 33:26

[vii] Matthew 16:25, Romans 12:1